WE ARE THE BEAUTIFUL MISTAKE
Hurting her mother was the last thing Naerys ever wanted to do but regardless of what she wanted, pain seemed to follow in her wake. She doesn't want the pain, doesn't wish for it but everything she does or doesn't do seems to be another slice into her mother's heart. To be fair, it hurt her more than her mother could ever understand. More, it seemed, than her mother would ever try to understand. She'd been quick to accuse, to yell, to chain her down like some sort of criminal. But did she ever think to ask about her day? To ask why the girl does what she does? Naerys always finds her way home and all her mother can manage is to seethe with usually contained rage (and fear, though she never allows the girl to see that). Yet, nothing had hurt her quite so much as the moment mother pulled away from her. Such a simple act, but it felt like she'd sliced through whatever fragile bond they had.
Is it any wonder that she tries so hard to focus on being a herd member, to be someone useful?
Mauja had been her comfort, perhaps because he was more tormented and broken inside than she possibly could be at her age. Most of the time they barely talked, they didn't need to. They simply needed to be, to coexist in a quiet tenderness that allowed them to be themselves. Together they explored. Together they saw the small delights that life can bring. Together, life is simple; there's never any need for them to be better than they are. A luxury she never felt in the presence of her mother.
Naerys had been expecting to find Alysanne when she came home this time; part of her hoped she would but there was always a lingering anxiety. Every time she saw green eyes, her gut twists and every time her teal eyes catch a glimpse of her mother's painted hide her thoughts turn instantly to the worst case scenario: her mother freeing her rage, her words stinging her youthful flesh with the same biting force of whips. She doesn't want to respond to her mother with that level of anxiety. Doesn't want to worry that each and every interaction with her mother is going to result in explosion after explosion but she can't help it. The wounds are far too fresh, the image of Alysanne pulling away from her far too vivid.
So when Alysanne slipped through the misty trees and into her view, she couldn't hold back the wince; flinching backward and away from the mare as though she'd been slapped. But the explosion didn't come - yet. She could feel the prickling heat of tears burning and filling her eyes, threatening to spill over. Naerys turned her focus to holding the tears at bay and hardly noticed her mother's gentle touch, hardly noticed the mists forming, healing her wounds and taking away her pain. Though the wounds were closed, it would be some time before the hair would grow on the backs of her legs and the flesh itself would never look the same. Yet that didn't matter. Her wounds hadn't ever mattered to her. They were mere consequences of her own actions, things she could so easily live with because they hadn't killed her. "Mama, I'm sorry.." and no sooner did she open her mouth did she lose her feeble hold on the moisture building in her eyes. The tears fall freely, trickling down her cheeks and carving wet trails in her dark fur. "I didn't mean to...I just...I saw you get hurt and and that made me so angry! I couldn't just do nothing. And then, when it was all over... Mauja... he... his daughter..." her voice is frantic yet somehow still thickened by the tears but her words are cut off by a sob. She struggles, fighting to keep it together because this wasn't how this was supposed to be. Everything was wrong. When she finally manages to inhale a deep breath, she pulls from whatever strength she has left. "She...died." the girl somehow manages to conclude, her voice barely above a strangled whisper. Somehow she remains standing, even as she longs to simply collapse and give up. With her tear soaked cheeks, the girl can't bring herself to meet the emerald gaze of her mother.
There was that familiar, nagging anxiety again - just waiting for the mare to snap.
SO I DON'T CARE IF IT KILLS ME TONIGHT |
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