Every wince and step away that Naerys took was a blow that Alysanne wasn’t sure she could survive but it was her punishment for doing the same not so long ago. Her knees almost gave way right then and there, only holding out because her daughter needed to be healed and any weakness on her part would always come second to Naerys. It should always come second. The rage that had protected her from her fear and sadness the last time they stood together on the border of the Edge was gone, leaving her to be battered by these emotions. So much of what she had said then she still stood by but it seemed distant to her, hazy, without the shelter of her anger. She wanted to explain to Naerys why they had reacted that way but she had no idea if her daughter would listen, or care.

It was Naerys who was the first to apologize, her words breaking free with the tears that stung for Alysanne to see. ‘I did this.’ Alysanne lamented and Hemlock cannot argue with her, he had no words that can smooth away those thoughts.

The explanation she was given almost caused a smile - seeing so many of those that she loved in the yearling that stood before her. Iona, Miykael, herself - she knew they all would have done the same. Alysanne was guilty of acting to protect those she loved but she had rarely considered the effect her actions would have on those she was trying to protect. “I’m sorry too.” There is no fire in her voice today, it is quiet in the stillness of the Edge. She is aware that there are others in the herdland around them but for these precious moments she exists solely in a world populated by only her daughter and herself. Even Hemlock feels distant - the bond that she was trying to repair now was so different than the one she shared with him.

“I love you so much, you know that right?” Alysanne’s eyes swam with tears that mirrored those of her daughters. Tears of hatred for herself, of pain and guilt. She cannot make herself look away - it’s her price to pay for how she acted, to see Naerys like this. “But it scares me when you go off on your own. I’ve never known fear like this before. What if you don’t come back?” And it scared her no less now that she had heard about Mauja’s daughter dying. She couldn’t imagine that pain. Her dislike of the unicorn stallion fading with this knowledge. She may be jealous of her daughter’s bond with him but if Naerys could bring him any comfort after such a loss, she would not begrudge him that. “It scares me how grown up you’re becoming. It’s my job to protect you and I… I haven’t been doing a very good job. You’re still so young, Nae.” How old had Mauja's daughter been? How strong? Alysanne didn't know, but whatever the answers it had not been enough to save her. And yes, Naerys was brave but that wouldn't save her either, not every time. Just because she always came home did not mean there wouldn't be a day when she didn't and that possibility - even though there was nothing at all she could do about it - was the root of all of Alysanne's fears.

“And now you’re hurt and it’s my fault.” Although she reached out to brush the pink marks where the wounds had once been, she wasn’t just talking about the physical wounds. The battle may have left behind these marks on her daughter’s skin but Alysanne had caused the welts and bruises on the girl’s mind and heart. She had be given the chance to be a mother again - taken the chance - and she had ruined it again. Arty had shied away from her touch too. How long would she continue pretending that she could help them? Perhaps it would have been better if she had left Arty with Iona for good, perhaps Naerys should have been given to Miykael. He would have done a better job.

Every part of her ached with the desire to embrace Naerys but she waited to judge the girl’s reaction to her touch. If she was poison, she would not force such a harmful touch upon one she loved as much as this. “I’m so sorry.” She repeated again and it will never be enough, no matter how often she says it.