the Rift


[JUDGED] biting off more than we could ever swallow [Erebos vs Rexanna]

Erebos Posts: 474
Aurora Basin General atk: 7.5 | def: 11.5 | dam: 6.5
Stallion :: Unicorn :: 16.1hh :: Four HP: 75.5 | Buff: DANCE
Orsino :: Plain Kitsune :: Dark Illusions & Enyo :: Common Griffon :: Draining Clutch Heather
#3
EREBOS
He wanted to accomplish something, anything. He wanted to feel the surge of victory. He wanted to scale great heights. He wanted to tear the world apart in his fury and defiance. The hands of fate proffered him only snippets; a conversation with a God, divine, colossal battles with foreign deities, and it made him think everything was possible if he tried hard enough, if he gave everything over to determination and will.
 
Then he’d battled Ashamin, and learned the taste of defeat was disturbing and bitter, that no matter how much one craved, one desired, it might not be enough.
 
No one would remember an underachiever. No one would shudder at a failure. No one would fear a flop.
 
So as Rexanna came at him, as she accepted their mere terms, as she flickered in gold and brutality, he tried to dodge to the right. He yearned to be swift, to be rapid, to be fleet afoot, but she was lithe where he was gangly, and her teeth quickly found their mark upon his left shoulder. Grazing and slight, nothing like the way hooves had ground and blades had struck within the Labyrinth, it was almost an afterthought to the oncoming bludgeon.
 
Like a freight train, she pummeled into the left side of his chest, shoving shoulder into muscle, pounding power into flesh. The spark of pain was almost unreal, blinding him to naught more than bright, shining beacons flashing across his eyes, causing his lungs to heave in vehemence, and wheeze in ferocity. He stumbled to the right, floundering and fumbling, peeling away until he hit the side of the rotunda’s wall, clawing at resolve all over again.
 
Because…was this how it was always going to be? Was he always going to be weak and fragile? Was he always going to be trampled, stomped upon, and brutalized? Was he destined only for crushing blows and subsequent defeat?
 
Orsino bristled in his head, loud and clear, a demon in the brush. Stop it, he chanted, a wild sibilance, a chaotic cacophony rambling through his mind, spinning snares and tales and vivid, belligerent hostility.  Why so weak?
 
Erebos didn’t know. He couldn’t answer.
 
So the fox took it upon himself again to save the boy from his own flaws and ineffectiveness, bolstering and conjuring the tangible forces of his illusions. He immersed them in a sudden, oncoming fog despite the eager winds, surrounding the villa, the gardens, and the kaleidoscope scales in absolute abyss: a building, brimming swill of mist and eerie, otherworldly strokes.
 
The boy rasped again, coughed, hacked, and took the necessary moments to rest against the stone frame, peering through the unearthly murk to see gold, to encounter his opponent, to somehow become something other than a fool.
 
While his chest throbbed, while his left shoulder ached, he moved, slow and steady, meticulous and sure, threading his way through haze and brume. When he thought he witnessed the movement of a gilded frame, he lowered his blade and increased his pace as best he could with his ailing, throbbing limbs, aimed, hoped, and prayed to hit what he believed was her left hind.
 
Would anything come of it? Or was he destined to fail all over again?

[1/3.  540 words.
Despite his attempts to dodge to the right, Rexanna is faster and lands a bite on his left shoulder. She also rams him towards the left side of his chest, causing him to become quite ineffectual for a few moments, stumbling off to the right and wheezing, attempting to catch his breath.
 
As he does so, Orsino concocts an illusion of mist, blanketing the landscape with its fog. Erebos recovers his breath, and attempts to maneuver through the fog, hoping the gold he saw was Rexanna. He lowers his head and attempts to ram his horn into her right hind.]
Image Credit

@Rexanna

Teaching Spar Comments:
 
Whee! Thank you for doing this with me!
 
What Went Well:
 
Setting: I thought you painted a nice picture of where Rexanna was in space. Utilize this when it comes to the spar portion – think about where she is, how she can use whatever is nearby as a means of tactics, diversions, etc.
 
Emotions: They’re spread out here and there, but I liked seeing Rexanna’s motivations, her thoughts on her latest romance, and then the last line: I had accepted this challenge without realizing how it would end, and I began to hope and wish that nothing too intense would happen as it seemed I danced with Death. I really enjoyed this line because it felt ominous and foreboding. ;D So as you write your next post, think about her motivations now. How is she feeling about striking Erebos and getting in some good damage?
 
Size Comparison: YES DO THIS.
 
Directions: ALSO YES PLEASE KEEP DOING THIS.
 
 
Things to Work On:
 
Proofreading: Some things really read awkwardly to me, such as:
 
It grew more curiosity to me, so I picked up my pace. - Should be “It grew more curious to me, so I picked up my pace.”
 
I proofread my spar posts because I know things have to be clear, concise, and make sense. You don’t want to leave judges confused – it doesn’t bode well. Read it over a couple times to yourself, THEN read it out loud. It’ s amazing how many things you pick up and fix.
 
Redundancy/Superfluous Words - Now, I understand this was partly a set-up for Rexanna to begin the spar, so I’m a little wishy-washy on this particular area. I did notice, however, there was a lot of the same thing parceled throughout the post, or something unnecessary/not vital to the battle.
 
Such as:
 
And with that, I tossed my head sending white and gray hairs flying into the air before rushing to him.
 
I’m only mentioning this one in particular because when we’re starved for more space on the word count, we can take those things out. ;D
 
Curiosity hit me gently, wondering who it could be that called my name.
It grew more curiosity to me, so I picked up my pace.
I approached whom I believed spoke my name, curiously observing him before speaking.

 
Aww man, all those were in the same paragraph. ;D I know I’m being nit-picky, and I’m not trying to drive people to a thesaurus, but if you vary her motivations, I think you’ll see improved scores.
 
Keep up the good work – see you next post! ^_^


Messages In This Thread
RE: biting off more than we could ever swallow [Erebos vs Rexanna] - by Erebos - 12-13-2015, 12:07 PM

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