the Rift


[JUDGED] biting off more than we could ever swallow [Erebos vs Rexanna]

Erebos Posts: 474
Aurora Basin General atk: 7.5 | def: 11.5 | dam: 6.5
Stallion :: Unicorn :: 16.1hh :: Four HP: 75.5 | Buff: DANCE
Orsino :: Plain Kitsune :: Dark Illusions & Enyo :: Common Griffon :: Draining Clutch Heather
#5
EREBOS
She screamed, she shrieked, and the echoing triumph burned through his ears. His horn had met flesh, and that meant success, a sentiment he hadn’t discerned in ages. However slight, however miniscule, however minute, he’d been able to strike. He didn’t think of the consequences, of the merciless ambitions thrust upon his opponent, his herd mate, and only took the avaricious plunge for one distinct value: the opportunity for victory.
 
Perhaps that was enough to bolster him onward. While the lad still wheezed, while he still hacked, while he still felt the residual pain aching through his chest, he could forgo their bitter armaments for just a few moments to relish and savor the notion that he’d landed an attack.
 
His confidence heightened, his heart leapt, and his mind blew a steady bellow of conviction, a drumming, a cacophony, a trumpet of war and might. Maybe he wasn’t fragile, maybe he wasn’t pathetic, maybe he’d grown into something, or someone, since his nightmarish skirmish with the Haruspex. The boy could have faith in himself: could dream, aspire, could do something other than fumble or stumble. He wasn’t completely unskilled or incapable, and he wasn’t going to be tossed aside for a more Spartan son. He could do this. He could win.
 
Orsino rolled his eyes and shook his head amidst the brush, as if his bonded was the most foolish of all cretins, too vulnerable, too easily misled. Due to his own youth, the kitsune couldn’t provide any more of the fog, the mist, the labyrinthine design, and tucked the illusions away, watching the abyss roll away from the gardens, sucked back into the surrounding blossoms and trees as if nothing had happened at all.
 
The reveal of the scenery again had Erebos twisting his sights back upon the golden mare. Now neither could hide in the billowing smoke, and as she attempted to counter his measures, he noted her flailing hooves, her rising daggers, aiming directly for his chest.
 
Not again, he thought, because he had no yearning, no desire, to flail back onto the ground or the stone like a fish out of water, struggling and gasping for air. Erebos maneuvered to the left, grateful for strong, durable, and lanky limbs, and only felt the edge of her hoof catch on the fringe of his right shoulder, grazing a fine bit of hair from his pelt. It was not a great loss, unlike Ashamin’s powerful, agonizing, tormenting assailments; just a touch, a weakened bout of pain, and he could venture forwards without an overwhelming, numbing ache annihilating his senses.
 
He continued in his movements, attempting to draw closer to her left side, scrutinizing stare catching the nearby rise of stone and pillars, pondering if he’d be large enough to shove her into the hard, rigid columns. Did he have sufficient strength, puissant power? Do it! Orsino grunted through his mind, and as though the little demonic fox had possessed his body and soul, the boy dug hard into the fertile earth, and thrust the right side of his body towards hers, hoping his weight, his stature, could knock her into the Rotunda’s outer walls. 



[2/3. 526 words.
First of all I have to apologize for being a moron, because in my prior post I had said Erebos was aiming for her left hind, but in my summary I said right, and that’s just stupid. :D
 
For this post:
- Due to Orsino’s youth and inability to completely control his magic for a long length of time, the fog dissipates and the Ancient Rotunda is cleared of mist all over again.
- As Rexanna’s buck comes closer to him, Erebos pushes towards the left, and her hooves only graze the edge of his right shoulder, taking some pieces of hair with it.
- He attempts to move forward and draw alongside Rexanna’s left side. I presumed they were still somewhere in the midst of the stone walls of the Rotunda, so he tries to shove his larger frame into hers, hopefully knocking her towards the wall.]
Image Credit



Teaching Spar Notes:
 
What Went Well:
 
Emotions: Loved seeing more of Rexanna’s character here, especially this particular piece: My hooves struggled to steady myself, all while flashbacks of the land I lived in before flew into my mind. I remembered seeing wounded soldiers returning and the bloodshed that stained the land as I escaped. I remembered the grieving mother crying over her son, a lifeless heap in the middle of the clearing. I wouldn't let that child be me. You gave us a glimpse into her motivations – especially that last line. She wants to be stronger because she doesn’t want to be like those from her past – and by no means is she going to let Erebos think she’s helpless or meek. Yeah!
 
Scenery: I thought it was very clever to utilize Erebos’ coughing and hacking as a way to figure out his positioning. Even in the fog, you managed to find a way to take advantage of something. Well done.
 
Pain: You did a great job describing the pain Rexanna felt from her wounds. As you’re writing your next post, be sure to include the pain and how it’s going to affect her movements, plans, strategies, etc. – because unless she knows how to heal herself, it’s not going to go away.
 
To Work On:
 
Damage Taken: I’m constantly confused/wishy-washy with this as well, but since Erebos rolled a three, I don’t think I would have taken as much damage as you did. Not only did you take the stabbing as a deep wound, but you also had Rexanna slam into the wall. I think just taking the stab wound would’ve been fine.
 
Proofreading: Since I colossally sucked at it in my SUMMARY, good lord I’m so ashamed, I’m going to be after you on it again. :D
 
I was strong I could handle it. - Needs a break in there somewhere. I was strong. I could handle it. would work, or a comma in between.
 
I studied him as he reached the side of the Rotunda and began my move to meet him once again with the idea that the wall of the building would provide more help. Until a fog seemed to appear out of nowhere. – Bah, last line is a fragment. It could be a stylistic approach, but it could also be incorporated more into the former sentence.
 
I heard him cough in the distance and swiveled my head I thought he was. - To where I thought he was.
 
More Emotions: Yeah, I’m greedy. You gave us glimpses, which were wonderful, and now I want more. How does she feel when she hits him? Successful? I want something beyond “this might be an easy fight,”. Does she want to annihilate him, destroy him, beat him? Does she want to get stronger? 

@Rexanna


Messages In This Thread
RE: biting off more than we could ever swallow [Erebos vs Rexanna] - by Erebos - 12-22-2015, 04:31 PM

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