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01-03-2016, 08:11 AM
EREBOS Erebos’ attempts had been barely anything - pathetic at best. The reach of his assault hardly moved her, instead barging back into him, taking measure of his gangly limbs and lanky legs, causing his frame to stumble away to the left with a corrosive scowl and a vexed soul. The resulting bruise on his right shoulder was just one more reminder of how little he’d learned and how far he had to go. But she didn’t fall onto rock, stone, or rubble. She didn’t waver on her path. She threw his endeavors back onto him as if they’d been nothing, worthless movements and motions. There were no lofty crusades, no strong campaigns, just a silly lad finding himself conquered again. No, Orsino hissed in his ears and in his heart. No, no, no. The fox refused the notions, but they pierced through the lad’s mind all the same. What was it going to take for him to become someone who didn’t falter? Who didn’t tremble? Who didn’t fall apart every time something went awry? Who knew his capabilities, who knew how to enact every muscle, every fiber, every ligament, to ensure success? What would he have to do? The thief asked who he was, and he nearly choked out a laugh. He stared at her in between their strange lull, in the rising haze of aches and pains, and contemplated how to answer. There were a multitude of possibilities: the boy who failed, the boy who stumbled, the boy who faltered, the boy who tried and tried and never got anywhere. He gave none of those, because they weren’t who he yearned to be. Instead of being distracted, being deterred, being weighed down by the price of his skill or the lack of his abilities, the little prince watched as she began her actions all over again – circling, rounding out the lengthy garden artifice, eyes gazing at her noticeable limp, at the mark he’d managed to make, at the damage he’d dealt. Then, she simply ran, barreling straight at his figure. It took a lot of drive, ambition, and hope to charge at someone, to presume they wouldn’t have an opportunity to move away, to latch on and crave. She must have longed for this just as badly as him. But he didn’t want to let her be victorious. He shifted to the right, ignoring the way his body protested and funneled a constant barrage of pain into his psyche – because he’d have to endure it, have to override it, to merely exist on this eternal plain of agony and chaos. It wasn’t enough; her horn made brief, brutal contact with his left hind, lacerating over the fringe of his pelt and burrowing down, down, down, so blood pooled over the surface and ran rampant down his limb. The torment was a begrudging, bitter, barbaric reminder, but so was Orsino. Get her now! His mind ricocheted into bits and pieces. Misery occupied a massive amount of space, spiraling and curling and stabbing his aching limbs. The kitsune was a bludgeoning echo though, a call of terror and horror and eerie, otherworldly designs, and he found himself listening to the haunting, poignant, cruel voice. His hind lifted, intending to kick as she likely maneuvered past. The same rancorous craving drove him beyond the torrential outpouring of misery, flailing his hooves out to hopefully snag her left side (maybe her head, her chest, her shoulders), breathing brutality, coercing calamity, wanting success, victory, conquest. And while he formed his attack, his jaw unhinged, his mouth parted, and his voice responded in a twisted reverie, a note of pride simmering, scorching, smoldering across his tongue. “Erebos.” Maybe she wouldn’t tremble at his name now – but surely, she’d remember it. [621 words. 3/3 - As Rexanna drives her weight back into him, Erebos has to stumble off to the left, bruising his right shoulder while she pushes back onto him. - As Rexanna circles and charges towards him, he attempts to move to the right, but the movement isn’t enough – and she drives her horn into his left hind, causing a decent-sized laceration. - As she’s moving past, he tries to kick out towards her, hoping to snag the left side of her head, chest, or shoulders. Overall Injuries: - Bit left shoulder, bruised left side of chest. - Lost hair on right shoulder, also slight bruise. - Left hind laceration.] |
Teaching Notes:
Yay! We’re almost at the end!
What Went Well:
Damage Taking: I know we had a brief conversation over Skype about dice rolls and what they all mean, so it was great to see you recognize how much or how little you actually had to take. ;D Since Erebos rolled a 1, this: As he pushed me toward the wall, I pressed back into him slightly, feeling a small bruise arising on my left hind as he caused me to spin slightly. I flattened my ears to my skull and pulled away from him at that point, happily taking the turn he pushed me in and running straight in that direction. was perfectly fine.
Pain: You’re constantly channeling how Rexanna feels, where the pain is located, and how it affects her movements. Good for you! This makes it all the more realistic.
Emotions: They’re getting better and better! I particularly liked:
I felt pain, frustration, and a small amount of desperation as I shot my rear legs out to the stallion.
I carried a limp in my step, but I tried to not let it affect my mind as I flicked my tail toward him as an act of sheer annoyance. 'Who does he think he is, disturbing my peaceful morning to succumb to such wounds?' I thought.
I wanted to be the one at the top when all my life it had seemed that I was the lower of everything. The time I hailed at the top was short lived and a blatent lie. Did he have some kind of desire like I did, to show that he was more than just lineage and rank?
Now, my only thing to off of these is to continue showing us, not just telling. How did she feel pain, frustration, and desperation? Did it move through her body, her mind, ache in her joints or her limbs? Did she want to growl? Did she simmer? Is she tormented by vexation? Why does she desire to show and prove herself?
Differences/Setting: I see you still working those in! ;D
To Work On:
Pacing: I’m not sure if I should consider this pacing or not, but I felt a weird disconnect in this post. The way you opted to frame it felt a little bizarre, because in between attacks and defenses, you have Rexanna question and seemingly rest. I thought this was an odd thing to do – because you’re in the middle of a fight. If this were a challenge, things could potentially go very wrong for a distracted fighter.
Slightly out from the walls of the Rotunda, seeing the courtyard in view again. I could feel the relief as the gentle grasses brushed against my legs. The aura of the Rotunda seemed too peaceful to be battling it out like this, so I turned my head to the stag hoping that it would be over soon. I carried a limp in my step, but I tried to not let it affect my mind as I flicked my tail toward him as an act of sheer annoyance. 'Who does he think he is, disturbing my peaceful morning to succumb to such wounds?' I thought.
Perhaps a better spot to put these questions, emotions, and reflections would have been towards the end of the post. They’re great sentiments and I can see you’re trying hard to include them, but I’m not sure if they were in the correct area. Since this was your last attack post, ending it with these frustrations and queries would’ve been great – or you could’ve even saved them for your last defense post.
Grammar: It looked way better this time! I still found some instances, but I’m a nit-picky nut:
Once my hooves reached the ground again, I sprang from them. Doing my best to put a slight amount of distance between the two of us. - Doing my best to put…, etc. would be a fragment. You could make it: I sprang from them, doing my best to put a slight amount of distance between the two of us.
The time I hailed at the top was short lived and a blatent lie. - Should be blatant.
Now, for your last post, all you need to do is think about defense/emotions, and overall injuries. Make sure to include how Rexanna felt about the entire thing, what she wants to do next, how she’s going to move on, learn, etc. There are so many different things you could do – but make sure you show your reader what’s going on inside Rex’s head.
I really enjoyed this spar – thank you so much for allowing me to participate with you! ^_^
@Rexanna
