ALYSANNE
Realism [+2]
You started off very strong with a good mind for attack realism, scenery, and stat/breed differences. However this seemed to gradually decline, though your closing defense was still good. I also never see the inclusion of the mist setting, and though the pool of water is mentioned in nearly every post it neither seems to help nor hinder you. I also would have expected more breed/stat differences given how different of build and height they are.

Your second post is still good with how well you explain that she receives no damage. I also liked the inclusion of the pool and the motive behind her choosing to buck - and using her wings for balance! However the action was harder to understand, you weren’t quite as concise and at times I struggled to understand who was on what side.

Your third post seems to completely drop the use of directional language as you say you take his buck to your side, but not which side. You also do not detail the damage at all other than saying you do not have a cracked rib, but not what you do have, so it was hard to say if you took appropriate damage. I did like that it shoved her into the water though. I also liked the specific use of you saying your right wing, but again you don’t explain much about how you aim this attack at Tembovu.

Continue to tie in scenery and breed/stat differences more to bring in more realism and use more directional language and descriptive injuries.


Emotion [+2.5]
I really loved Alysanne’s emotions during this fight, especially your first post. It was very clear all throughout the fight that she was so afraid of this and confused by it all. I also liked her reactions every time she landed (or missed!) a hit and how she responded when she was struck. I liked the inclusion of her companion in your first post but I wish I would have seen more of their bond throughout the fight, especially with how emotional and distraught Alysanne was getting.

P1:
“‘You want… me to start?!’ She asked incredulously, shaking her head as she stepped back away from him.”

P3:
“She did not know how to control such a new emotion but now when she needed it, when she wanted the power it gave her, it had abandoned her and she was left cold with sorrow and regret. Perhaps the chill was just from the air and the cool water she had splashed into, though she certainly felt as though it went deeper. “

“It felt good to hurt, after what she had done to him, and only the knowledge that he could inflict more damage on her kept her going.“


Prose [+3]
Beautiful prose all throughout the fight with great use of vocabulary, imagery, and flow.


Readability [+2.5]
Very readable with good sentence structure and grammar, only a few minor errors. Watch the tendency to start sentences with “But” or “And” as those are minorly incorrect.

P1:
“Asking had been the hard part and now that he had accepted - a small, fearful smile at the word ‘victim’ the only response she could muster.” (reads off, I think you’re missing a word)

P3:
“...any more trauma but and to speed…” (remove the but)


Finally tally: 38+(10*2)= 58 HP


TEMBOVU
Realism [+1.5]
You also have a good grasp on fighting mechanics and wording. You started off well with good explanations for how her light attack caused so much damage to you (wings are surprisingly sturdy and painful!) - as well as your motivation with how you placed yourself with the pool of water which was great use of surroundings. I also enjoyed Tembovu using experiences from his fight with Nyx. The only issue I had in your first post was that Alysanne attacked you (and you took the injury) on your left side, but then when you return an attack with a rear you aim at your right side with no indication of moving to shift her to that side. Nice use of trying to push her into the water to slow her down!

In your second post, your realism took a huge hit with the fact you had her buck break your shoulder. Not only is a broken bone generally heavily frowned upon (best saved for critical hits if at all), but the fact that you said his scapula was broken just made no sense - that is one of the stronger points of a horse’s body, and to have it broken by a horse with a lower strength stat and height was very unrealistic. I would imagine the pain of a broken bone would be excruciating, but Tembovu doesn’t seem very phased and in fact goes right into a forehand turn! You do say he coddles his injured side, but I can’t see how well he could manage this even so, especially not immediately after - adrenaline could be some of an explanation, but you don’t describe that. I did like the way the water droplets flung was an indicator of her incoming attack.

Your third post was much stronger with a good explanation of how he took no damage. His horn attack was good and I liked the fact you explained he specifically held back since the spar was supposed to be light - your other attacks never actually said he reserved his power, so this was good to read given the nature of the spar. You mentioned surroundings but didn’t really use them.

Just be more mindful of realistic injuries and how those affect you. You did a great job of this with the head injury he sustained!


Emotion [+1.5]
I definitely felt Tembovu throughout the fight, but it felt very surface layer and just sprinkled here and there around his actions. It was strongest in your first post. It also didn’t fully make sense to me, because he continually mentioned this being a light hearted fight despite the fact he routinely used very strong styles of attack (rear, buck, horn) and himself was injured very heavily. I was also surprised at how little coaching he gave Alysanne given the point of the spar was meant to teach her, knowing she was very shy and experienced - he does explain this a few times as experience being the best teacher etc. so it by no means affected your score, but it read strange to me that he didn’t help and support her more.


Prose [+3.5]
Really beautiful prose all throughout the fight with great use of vocabulary, imagery, and flow. Here’s some of my favorite lines:

P1:
“The low rumble was amused, relieved even, at the prospect of a light-hearted spar. In his past life, he had found great pleasure in watching the new recruits— long of leg and lacking of muscle— bumble over themselves on the training grounds; only to, after a time, begin to find themselves and know their bodies.”

“A brief bout of lights crossed his vision as his jaw went numb momentarily, before leaping into a punishingly painful throb.”

P2:
“Here, now, in this misty darkness he did not feel like he was losing a battle to his demons or past.”


Readability [+2.5]
Very readable with good sentence structure and grammar, only a few minor errors mostly in post 2. Watch the tendency to start sentences with “But” or “And” as those are minorly incorrect.

P2:
“...he had though the …” (thought)
“...point was to for her to learn…” (remove the first to)


Finally tally: 48.5+(9*2)= 66.5 HP