I CAN'T SEE BEHIND YOUR EYES
BUT I'M SURE THAT THERE'S A STORM
Truth be told, Miykael is just as lost as December and almost as broken (because none can be as broken as a mother that's lost a child). Nothing in his life has ever turned out the way he felt it should, or at least the way he wanted it to. His own past was so filled with disappointments that somehow he'd grown numb to it all and perhaps he didn't really see just how badly December was breaking or how distant they had grown. He hasn't been there, plain and simple. Did it all stem from Meria's disappearance? Or was he just destined to fuck up every good thing he's ever had?
Honestly, he doesn't even know anymore.
But does it even matter now? All he can do is try and make it right, but how?
In his own desperation to forget the mess of his current situation, he took himself back in time the only way he knew how. And it was there, standing near the frozen cave that marked the beginning of his relationship with December, that everything began to fall apart. He needed to indulge in the memories, he needed that escape when everything else was spiraling into darkness. As lost as he was in his own memories, Miykael felt her presence before she ever spoke, before he ever heard the subtle thudding of her hooves as she moved to approach him. His ears swivel to acknowledge her presence as the memories fade away and he's left standing in the bitter chill of the north. He embraces the sting from the cold as a way to punish himself, but it isn't enough nor would it ever be enough. The feel of her teeth on his shoulder simultaneously sends a jolt of warmth and pain to his heart. She presses her body into his and he automatically stretches out his massive white wing to embrace her. If only that gesture were enough to shield her, to block out the pain and fix this entire mess.
But he can't, can he?
Miykael doesn't fix things, he only screws them up.
He meets her gaze, his own eyes open and baring his soul - a soul raw and ravaged from the sorrow of their current situation. As happy as he'd been when he escaped into his earliest memories of her, all of the pain simply comes flooding back the second he returns to reality. When December speaks, her words are (unsurprisingly) bitter but any and all harshness intended lacks the oomph it might otherwise have had were it not for her trademark even-toned voice. Honestly, he almost wished she would just yell at him - cry, shout, beat him, let it all out. Maybe then they could move forward, maybe then things could improve. But nothing hurts him more than the tears welling up in her eyes. "No." comes his response, his deep voice almost melancholic. He exhales softly but his blue eyes never leave her face. "I'm not happy that everything is a mess. I'm not happy that I can't just... fix it. I miss Meria every day. I wander because I can't let go of the hope that I'll somehow find her. But in my desperation to find our daughter, I've failed you."
He has failed her - just as he failed his father, his birth herd, God, Alysanne, Naerys, and Meria. Frankly, the list is likely even longer than that but those are the ones that stand out. Those are the failures that rip his heart to shreds; like hungry wolves tearing into the freshly fallen corpse of their latest catch. An entire year has passed and they've never even attempted to talk to each other about Meria and it doesn't even matter who is at fault for that because he should have said something, anything. She moves away but he is too ashamed to follow, instead he's glued to his spot. "I miss you, too." he adds, his voice deep and tinged with melancholy. He does miss her, he misses they way they used to be before everything went to hell. The longer she leaves the gap between him, the more intensely he feels the loss of her body beside his, and the more he longs to close that very distance. The more the tears fall from her steel colored eyes, the harder it gets for him to give her space. Miykael moves closer, but just as he's about to embrace her she speaks then begins to pace.
"I'm not giving up, December. We can fix this... it just...might take a little time." Miykael speaks with confidence, tenderness, and conviction. He wouldn't give up. He wouldn't leave her now (or ever, for that matter), not when she needed him most. But how could he prove it to her when all he is good at is making mistakes and hurting the one's he loves? When she finally turns to face him, he doesn't hesitate to close the distance and press his chest roughly against hers. Miykael lays his throat across her withers and clutches her to him. "I'm here, December." he murmurs into her flesh. "But I don't have any answers. This isn't something that anyone can make any sense out of but we can take comfort in each other." Miykael attempts to explain, pressing his breaking chest against hers in an attempt to hold himself together. "Together we can heal," but apart they would surely fail.
HIT ME WITH SOME LIGHTNING
SO I CAN FEEL SOMETHING OTHER THAN NUMB |
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