the Rift


[JUDGED] Electric Surge [Arvakl x Thranduil]

Official Posts: 847
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Stallion :: Equine :: ::
Official
#6

By my verdict: ARVAKL is the winner!

THRANDUIL
Realism [+1]
I was confused by your first attack. What is his body curving away from, and then why is he using his shoulder? Is he trying to hit her with his shoulder? Then why would he keep going straight? I think so more directional or ease sentences between the prose would have helped me get the idea of what was going on a little more. In your second post, I was also not really able to glean that Thranduil took the bite from Arvakl - I had to read your summary!



Emotion [+2]
The emotion in this battle was very good, full of life and fun! I particularly liked your references to the energy in the air as well as the sulty and sexy edge to their fight.



Prose [+3]
Post 1 || " a blaze " should just be "ablaze" otherwise it's literally a, singular blaze
Post 1 || "Steepe" spelling
Otherwise good!



Readability [+1]
There were a few issues I had with understanding where you took damage and where you were attacking, giving it this score.

Finally tally: 46 + (2*7) = 60 HP

*******************************************

ARVAKL
Realism [+3.5]
Your attacks and defenses are clear and make sense, and I particularly liked that you included how blood could get in the way of her seeing since she was cut on her face. Very good attention to detail. I would have appreciated more of an effort to bring in their different sizes and the environment, since you had the word space to do so!



Emotion [+2]
I definitely like the emotion I felt in this post from Arvakl. I liked how it took her a moment to get into the battle after wanting "you know what" and then finding that she liked this more!


Prose [+2]
Post 1 || " Oh handsome man, I forgot to tell you. This is my kink; I like it rough." I am not taking off points for this, but a better way to punctuate would be: "Oh, handsome man, I forgot to tell you this is my kink. I like it rough." Mainly because the last sentence can stand alone, but the way you wrote it, your first sentence was a runon.
Post 1 | "ut I'm not: I'm not ready for the surge of energy that bursts from him, the most I've yet seen." This does not need a colon.
I would try focusing on your punctuation and sentence structure a little more! There were a few run on sentences and some commas that needed to be put in better places. The words and the emotion were there, but it could have read a little better.

Readability [+1.5]
Readable!


Finally tally: 49 + (9*2) = 67 HP


Messages In This Thread
RE: Electric Surge [Arvakl x Thranduil] - by Blu - 11-08-2014, 03:09 PM
RE: Electric Surge [Arvakl x Thranduil] - by Official - 12-31-2014, 12:30 AM

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