the Rift

satisfying an itch [Artorius]
Ascended Helovian

Ophelia the Amaranthine Posts: 701
Outcast atk: 6.5 | def: 10.5 | dam: 7
Mare :: Hybrid :: 16.0 hh :: 6 Years HP: 77 | Buff: BULK
Tinek :: Royal Silver Dragon :: Frost Breath & Shock Breath Tamme

And when my sins are just a memory...

The trees just outside the World’s Edge towered above them, boughs turning shades of vibrant amber and gorgeous red. If not for her pristine, pale coat, she might even fit in with the environment given the shades on the ends of her long, silken mane and tail. Uncertainty plagued her heart, a shadow of doubt that clouded her every thought. Would Torleik lead? Would he leave her as all the others did? His promises seemed so beautiful and pure, but so had all the others. Where her heart wanted to believe him, her head knew better. But, she could not express her doubts, not after he admitted that he loved her – spoke the words in his headspace for her to hear.

His voice still echoed in her mind, ‘I love you’. What did that even mean? As she went in circles in her head, the frustration she had felt from the invasion began to mount again, urging her legs to move. Ophelia snorted roughly through her flared, gray nostrils, cloven hooves crunching on slick leaves as she padded in a wide, pacing circle. Two, strange colored eyes stared out ahead of her, unseeing , for her focus was in the past. The Sun God would know the answers to her questions, but until then?

Night had fallen over head, stars bright in the Orangemoon blackness. The light upon her brow was soft, gently pulsing like a star, and underneath was the key to the hidden entrance of the Dragon’s Throat. She had used the key once already, and was grateful that Gaucho had trust her with such a prize. Even the silver armor that encircled her pale sides was lovely- a minimalist take on a warrior’s protection. Ophelia would hardly recognize herself anymore. Gone was the awkward, lanky girl of her youth. In her place was a tall, lithe creature, aching for war and bloodshed. The very lineage in her genes demanded so, and she was fast becoming a slave to its calling. All sons and daughters of the Red King succumb at one point or another.

Spying a pegasus she had recognized from earlier, she nodded to him with a jerk of her head. “Artorius, yes?” she asked, the question a formality. She had drawn his name from his very mind in the woods. “Do you want to spar with me?” she asked, taking a deep breath. Ophelia’s body needed release from this tension, and being the somewhat naïve prude as she was, she did not think to take her frustrations out on Torleik in… another way. “Feel free to attack first. You will not offend me.”


[(intro) (438 words)
SETTING: Just at the World's Edge border at NIGHT with leaves on the ground. The dirt is a little slick and a rain storm could possibly come through :) UP to you, Semper
TEACHING SPAR! You can attack first if you want.

1. If you don't want Phi to know is name, that's cool :) I can remove it
2. If my table font is too small, please lemme know and I'll adjust



Undertow has come to take me. Guided by the blazing sun. Look at everything around us. Look at everything we've done.
Please. Anyone. I don't think I can save myself. I'm drowning.

Please tag me in every response!

Artorius Posts: 39
Up For Adoption atk: 7 | def: 9.5 | dam: 3
Stallion :: Pegasus :: 15.2hh :: 5 years HP: 60 | Buff: NOVICE
Barnabas :: Puffin :: None Adoptable
She's a ten, I'm a joke in my own mind.
But she still loves to dance with my punch lines

Things had gone quite hectic with the invasion coming to a halt the Edge warriors allied with the Basin had been the clear victor, now things were a chaotic jumble as we scrambled to our new home or stayed happily behind the shattered wall and waited on the declaration of the new King and Queen. In a rush of excitement I had stepped forward and offered my soul for the taking, but given a moment or two to actually stand back and think while the others spoke their own reasoning I realized how horrible of a mistake I had made. Three years had been all I had seen on this planet so far, and only a season or two in the lands of Helovia, what did I know of these lands enough to lead?
Glossy harks flicked back against my skull at the confusion that washed over my bond with the puffin who was still pure black. He was still too young to understand much, and I too impatient with myself to stand here and explain my change of heart to the hatchling. Snorting harshly, ebony limbs carried my sleek frame forwards and away from the misty grounds of the Edge in hopes that a quick walk would clear my mind. In the dim light that the stars provided without a moon in the sky the pale mare clad in armor wasn't noticed around the dancing thoughts that forced me into a nearly unconscious state of mind. “Artorius, yes? Do you want to spar with me?" The melodic sound of her voice slapped me back into reality, dark lids widening to show the whites that encased my emeralds momentarily before the adrenaline cooled off and reality seemed less of a horrific place. "Oh, Lady Ophelia. I...would be honored." Words slipped coolly from my tongue as my star studded sky lowered in a respectful greeting to the pale lady.
It appeared as if the gods had a different form of distraction in mind for me as the blood stained ghost spoke up once again, her regal lyrics taking over the sound of crickets chirping. “Feel free to attack first. You will not offend me.” An invisible brow reached for the dark sky as the words made their way into my ear canals where they remained momentarily until an irritated squeak came from the child on my shoulders. Neck muscles shifted as I reached back to pluck the ball of feathers from my back to place the squirming avian a safe distance from where the Basin Lady and myself would be sparring. A shaky breath made it's hesitant way between grass stained ivories as emeralds studied the pale lady momentarily, the idea of sparring with someone's queen was obscure, but who was I to deny the lady of a request? Giving my skull a harsh shake I made my way towards Ophelia, dark limbs sliding forward each time a hoof hit down on the slick leaves. Nervous anxiety flashed through my sporty veins as I moved past the Lady on her right side, just as my shoulder passed her hips my rear limbs were thrown out into a wild buck in hopes that I would strike the warrior Queen on her hips or even her thigh giving she was a few inches taller than myself. As soon as my hooves hit the leaf covered ground once again I was on the move, today my goal was only to not get impaled by the glorious weapon on her forehead.
Otherwise, I knew loosing against this goddess of war was nearly inevitable.

Tag | @[Ophelia]
Words | 600/800
Notes | Sorry for the wait dear! School and work is insane.
Attacks | 1/3
Defense | 0/1
Summary | Removes Barnabas from fight as he is too young. Hesitantly at first runs at Ophelia, passes on her right side and bucks in hopes to catch her thigh or hip if she is still there. Considers her a goddess of war due to the recent win on the Falls.
Injuries | None yet!
stat rolling

  • Please Tag in All Replies!
  • Slight Force Allowed, no death or maiming. No serious injuries.
Ascended Helovian

Ophelia the Amaranthine Posts: 701
Outcast atk: 6.5 | def: 10.5 | dam: 7
Mare :: Hybrid :: 16.0 hh :: 6 Years HP: 77 | Buff: BULK
Tinek :: Royal Silver Dragon :: Frost Breath & Shock Breath Tamme

And when my sins are just a memory...

Unsupported by a contentious crowd and partial anonymity, Ophelia found that she liked Artorius much better. He was young to lead a herd, but then again, she had been too. However, the position was not handed to her so simply; she and her twin gathered, fought and invaded with a band of mercenaries. Earning was much more satisfying, and part of her hoped that he would realize this fact sooner rather than later. As her gaze shifted over his feathered form, she wanted to tell him that she was grateful for the distraction. Within seconds his presence had shifted the confusion and heartache toward a fang-gnashing thirst for the pain and pleasure of a heavy spar. Since when had she turned into her father?

Hooves rooted in place, she awaited his answer, a shiver in her spine praying that he would accept. Wide eyes, the color of the forest, stared at her, and she stared back, patiently waiting for his tongue to catch up with his body and soul. He would be honored, and she returned his respectful gesture with a dip of her own crowned skull. Seconds ticked by, and she felt as if she could wait no longer. But she held her tongue, memories competing with reality for her attention. The surge of adrenalin and strain on her muscles would aid in this mental argument, but she was not cruel enough to begin a battle before he was ready.

From the words he spoke in the World’s Edge, he was untried and new, and though her purposes here were singular, she did want to leave him with a good impression of both herself and the Aurora Basin. She wanted to display that she was capable – a worthy judge for the new warrior leader of Kahlua’s herd. He was one of the few who acknowledged his weaknesses and still offered to honor the Moon Goddess by living in the herd, and that, to Ophelia, was commendable. That commendable heart, it seemed, was not only for show.

The stallion reached to grasp a bundle of feathers from his back and tucked the companion away for safe keeping. Ophelia had no idea what the creature was, but a small smile tugged at her lips, finding it very cute. Feathers reminded her of Irelyn, the fiery little griffin who could both terrorize and snuggle devoutly. Both she and Torleik loved fiercely, and she only hoped that there was enough of her left to return the same. Her mood took a circle, having lost her distraction when Artorius’ eyes left her own for the safety of his bonded. The pale princess sighed inaudibly, perking only once the stallion situated himself and began to walk forward.

Instincts were not natural to Ophelia; she had to hone them carefully over time until they were a part of her memories. So, she lifted her proud, gray neck and turned her cheek, eyeing him from the right as he made his approach from that side. Though he was smaller, he had wings large enough to fly; that alone gave him a significant advantage. Strength, for once, was on her side, as her well-coupled musculature and lithe physique allowed her fine motor control and power – at least against this opponent. She would have to think twice were she locked in battle with the much stronger Torleik.

Naturally, she side-stepped his advance, looking over her shoulder as his hooves lashed out. One of them glanced off of her silver armor, but the other hit her square in the gaskin just as she was making to move away. Ophelia hissed in a breath at the fast forming bruise, and she held it up tightly for but a second to alleviate some pain. Honestly, she was surprised. He was much, much quicker than she had anticipated, and she would relish the opportunity to keep up.

Like a star in the forest, she glowed, poor camouflage against the blackness of the night sky. She raised her right, hind leg to step forward, favoring it slightly as she cantered after Artorius. The distraction was working. She hardly felt the confliction of the rapid events plaguing Orangemoon weighing on her heart, and she breathed freely now as she attempted to slide her left side next to his right. Aiming to use her height to her advantage, she curled her neck over, jaws widely opened to bite sharply on the point of his right hip. Should she fail, she had a secondary opportunity. Ophelia struck outward with her left, front foreleg, desiring to glance at his hock with her cloven toes.

The pain brought her back to reality, grounded her firmly in the earthen scent of decaying leaves. But, the long awaited taste of blood was the wine she desired.

[[(1/3) (795 words in word)
- Ophelia takes his kick sharply on her right Gaskin
- Chases after him, trying to line up parallel, left side to right side and bite him on his right hip bone


As per the usual, I bullet point because I find that's easier for me to go back and read too :)

1. Somewhat awkward sentence structure. I realize that this is somewhat pot calling the kettle black, BUT, let me explain what I mean. I get the sense that you tried a little TOO hard to begin sentences that didnt start with the word “I”. For example, your opening sentence. I would have rewritten it to go like this: “The invasion had come to a halt and since, things had been quite hectic. The Edge warriors had….” This is a more chronological arrangement of events, and that helps the reader with flow.

2. Double space paragraphs! Double spacing paragraphs is generally proper format in literature, but it also helps your readers, especially if your line-height is a bit compressed like yours is.

3. Why use lot word when few word do trick? - kevin from “The Office”. Try organizing your sentences by replacing lengthy phrases with just one word. Granted, this is sometimes a pain because you have to work on vocabulary, but a post or two with a thesaurus can’t hurt. “In the dim light that the stars provided without a moon in the sky the pale mare clad in armor…” Could be rewritten as: “No moon in the sky, the dim light was provided by the stars, and the pale mare clad in armor was noticed given my dancing thoughts which forced me into a nearly unconscious state of mind.” In this case, the punctuation and removal of some extraneous words helps provide a much clearer sentence!

4. Play your cards, not your opponent! Typical poker phrase. Remember to mention your character’s build vs. Ophelia’s. What strengths can he use to his advantage? What weaknesses can he try to avoid? This can help you get points in realism!

5. “I moved past the Lady on her right side…” be careful with this! You cannot know Ophelia’s position, so you can only TRY to make sure that you end up that way.

6. Otherwise, your attack was very well written, clear and it made sense.

7. GREAT job with his motivation! Often times these spars are so awkward to start, but you made it so believable.

8. Really good job with emotion. I could really feel his anxiousness and nervousness; it was really great to read :D


Undertow has come to take me. Guided by the blazing sun. Look at everything around us. Look at everything we've done.
Please. Anyone. I don't think I can save myself. I'm drowning.

Please tag me in every response!

Blu the Bootyful Posts: 443
Administrator atk: 99 | def: 99 | dam: 99
Mare :: Other :: 5'7" :: 25 HP: 99999 | Buff: TWERK
Artorius defaults to Ophelia. Ophelia earns 0.5VP + 1 EXP for teaching.
 HP: 1100

Helovia Hard Mode

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