It occurred to her suddenly that she must like to play the victim.

As much as she knew that her actions were what led her here, down this dark and twisting road of poor timing and rash decisions, she continued to think of it as fate.  She continued to begrudge that fleeting deity, Destiny, for it must have truly hated her to have led her so far astray.  She continued to condemn Karma, held to the fact that she must have been truly evil in another life to deserve such misery in this one.  Deep down, she knew that these tiny threads to which she clung were naught but a coping mechanism - a poor one, at that - and that knowledge scared her.  She hated herself for what she had become, but instead of giving in to that darkness (it being the more terrifying of the two), she continued to toss her net of blame everywhere else.  Her one saving grace was that she has never indicted others for her misfortunes.  No, it was always some nameless specter toward which she pointed her hoof.

Kaj's touch was welcome, though not in the same way as it had been before, offering a new kind of salvation simply in his acceptance of her, as she was, without any expectations of what she should be.  She sighed softly into his embrace, closing her eyes for a moment to soak it - him - in.  As shattered as she has become, she knew that the golden steed matched her break for break, and there was some kind of strange comfort in that.  She was relieved when he admitted that he was not, in fact, all right - though her heart ached for him, she was relieved that nothing had changed between them, that he had taken her comfort to heart and knew that she could be relied on during his weakest moments.  She had, after all, come to him in one of hers.

"They despise me."

She opened her mouth as though to argue, to spew some mindless garbage about how no, Kaj, they couldn't possibly hate you, what could you have done to deserve their wrath?  But it occurred to her suddenly that, as intimately as she understood him, she didn't know him at all.  Her fears resurfaced, for what if she had made a mistake to come to him?  What if he wanted no part in the life that stirred within her belly?  What if he sent her away, wanted nothing to do with her now that she came with even more baggage for him to carry upon his broad shoulders?  Her gaze dropped, tracing the ground around her hooves.

More than that, though, she could offer him no comfort this time, for he could well have done something to warrant the hatred of his herd and family.  That was a pain that she knew all too well, and her bi-colored eyes rose again to meet his.  I understand, she longed to tell him, ached to give him an explanation for how she had come to be here, to be his (whatever she was to him - she did not delude herself that they were lovers, but he had, in his way, claimed a part of her all the same).

"All I have ever wanted is a family."

Relief would be too weak a word to describe what washed through her then.  She let him finish, stepping closer in an attempt to press her forehead against his, offering comfort through physical closeness.  Her wings rustled as she moved, almost of their own acord, shaking out feathers before settling against her sides.  If he had happened to glance up, he might have noticed what her wings were hiding:  the slight bulge of her belly, not enough to be sure of a pregnancy, but enough to make him wonder...

"I'm sorry, Kaj," she told him, no pity in her voice, only comprehension of his pain.  There was nothing more that she could offer him than that, for sometimes, wounds were too deep to be healed, even among one's family.  Anything else would have been hollow, placating, and he deserved more than that.

"You're right," she admitted.  "I came... I needed... I..."  What was she to say?  Oh, remember that time we had sex?  Yeah, well, I hope you didn't want to forget it.  Surprise!  She sighed heavily, stepping away from him, turning away as though to hide her fear.  "I... I'm pregnant, Kaj."  Emotions welled up in her then, bringing tears to her eyes.  Even though she didn't think that he would react poorly, she still wondered if she had only brought him more pain, more drama, more... just more, when he had enough to deal with already.  "I'm sorry," she spouted suddenly, words exploding forth with a speed that she had not intended.  "I never meant for this to happen, I thought - it wasn't the right time, I didn't mean - I didn't - I -"

He had opened his heart to her, and she had brought him more anxiety with which to fill it.

She shouldn't have come.

"Talk talk talk."
--Astraeus.--

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