“Oh.”
That was all she could say. Oh. Children. Twins. Perfection.
Virga and Vesper. Two comets.
“Mesec,” she began, saying the name slowly, regretfully, not wanting to continue. She wanted to turn and run, leave this conversation, assume that this stallion was a haunt, a ghost produced by the chilling something that resided in this forest. But this wasn’t a dream. This was more real than she wanted to admit. But somehow, despite all that had happened, he had been able to find kindness in his heart to lay the truth upon her gently. He was present for her, careful to give her just as much as she could bear. He told her that they had taken shelter together, that children had followed. It didn’t take much to assume what had happened. Were they more than friends? Had they been mates? No, they barely knew each other, it must have been a single night lost to time, with the most beautiful of consequences. They had asked for her, looked for her. They had missed her.
“I’m so sorry, Mesec. I can’t begin to imagine what my absence must have caused for you, for them. I can’t imagine what they think of me. They must hate me.”
She felt overwhelmed, but there was something so intimate about what he shared. The information he presented to her, it was everything that she had been before. Sure, she had been a warrior, a general, a fighter. But she had been a lover too. She had been a mother. Suddenly she didn’t feel so alone. He had made such a sacrifice, raising two children, and though she didn’t remember them, she could never repay him for caring for them, for loving them. She moved forward, trying to keep herself steady, betraying her better judgement. Carefully she brought herself to him, pressing her cheek against the muscled arch of his neck, releasing the softest of sighs. And as she did, it was electricity. It rippled through her, a chill down the back of her neck, a fluttering in her chest, her heart in her throat, a warm heat. She breathed him in, memorizing his scent, remembering his touch. “We met in the Steppe,” she whispered, saying it as though repeating a secret. “It was snowing, I think.” She moved her cheek against the fur of his neck, squeezing her eyes shut to avoid more tear shed. “I’ve had dreams. Most of them seemed like a fantasy, filled with things like meeting a stallion born from starlight. I just never thought any of them were real. I’m still not sure what’s real and what isn’t. I don’t know what was a memory, and what was fantasy. But I remember.”
It only came to her in small bits, pieces that were hard to put together. But it was there. Her first and only memory. A memory sealed by something strong enough to destroy darkness, to pull together two worlds, to fill a single crack in her entire psyche. But beyond this tiny answer, her mind was still full of gaping fissures, threatening to crumble at any moment. “Thank you, for never forgetting me. I am thankful that, from the sounds of it, you were able to raise them alone. That is quite the burden to bear. Life wasn’t fair to you.
“I don’t know how to make this better. I can barely face you now, but I can’t imagine walking back into their lives as if nothing happened. How could I possibly face them?” She exhaled, her heart torn, not wanting to ever let go. Slowly she pulled away, slowly stepping back and adding the smallest amount of distance between them. She had remembered him, and now as she pulled away, she was terrified she would lose it all again. But her heart burned with the sorrow she felt. It had settled upon her bones like a heavy late frost, destroying the flowers that had bloomed too early in spring.
She thought about the resentment her children must have for her. They would be saints to forgive her. When would she be able to see them? Would she be able to avoid them until she was able to sort all of this out? How long until she crossed paths with them? Though Virga was away, how long would it be until he returned? Would she ever have the chance to beg for forgivemenss? A rock, jagged and heavy and unforgiving, plummeted into her stomach, and she almost jumped from the start it gave her. “Virga, he’s gone? Into the wilds?” Her stormy eyes became frantic as she caught his gaze. “What if he met a same fate as me? What if something worse happened? Do you think he’s alright?” She began to shake her head, closing her eyes again, and her voice began to shake. “And Vesper, what of her? Is she safe? Is she well? Did she grow strong and beautiful and into everything you would want a daughter to be?”
Her head dropped then, tears staining her cheeks in long marks. “I can’t believe I missed them. I can’t believe that I left them behind. How could a mother do that? How could a mother forget?”
Again she felt isolated, lost on a rickety boat on a stormy sea. “I need to find a way to make this all better. I need to find a way to fix this. I want to know them, I do. I just can’t believe I ruined the relationship I could have had with them. I wish we had been able to do this together, and if I could ever go back and change it, if we could ever do this again the right way, I would. We could have been a family.” It was true. It could have been so different. It could have been so beautiful.
Maybe it wasn’t too late. But maybe it was.
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[P] Tallsun Kisses & Orangemoon Wishes
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